3 games in and it's a bit of a mixed back for The Toffees.

Firstly there was a 1-0 defeat in Switzerland to FC Sion. More embarrassingly at the weekend was a 4-2 defeat to Cambridge!

Last night though saw us record our first win at Preston (1-0) thanks to a Phil Jagielka header from a corner.

The absence of many first team stars is obvious in the starting XI's. Only Lescott and the aforementioned Jagielka would be classed as regular first team players. Arteta has come off the bench, Johnson is in and out as he continues to be linked away, and the African contingent are still to return to training.

More worryingly is Moyes' claim that he hopes to make 5 or 6 new signings before the season starts...well he best get his arse into gear because he's leaving it pretty late! Given that we've also got a trip to America still to come then it makes you winder where he's going to find the time to sort anything out and how any new additions would find time to settle before the season starts. I guess a lot of teams are in the same boat though at the minute.

On a side note, a drunken conversation got me thinking the other night. When clubs receive applications for the manager position, do they get loads of CV's sent in or do you have to request an application form first? What would a manager's CV consist of? Could someone like Graeme Souness really claim to have 'great people skills'? Would they still list the part time paper round they had as a YTS as part of their previous employment history? Questions questions....

That's right folks, the new footy season is nearly here and I for one cannot wait.....well, actually I can.

It's been a strange summer and it still doesn't really feel like pre season has got underway with the lack of transfer activity. The rumours have been picking up this past week so hopefully one big transfer will go through to open the floodgates. I mean c'mon for God's sake, Gareth Barry still hasn't signed for Liverpool.

Scott Carson going to Stoke/WBA/Middlesbrough* (delete as applicable) for around £4m is a weird one. Am I the only person who remembers Liverpool slapping a £10m price tag on him after his loan deal expired at Villa thus pricing him out of a move? No wonder Martin O'Neill has got it in for Rafa and his goatee.

Thankfully the whole Ronaldo saga is starting to die a death after Real Madrid realised that no-one is interested or listening to them anymore. However, the more likely reason is probably that his ankle is goosed and he's out for 3 months.

A recent blog by Seoul Man nicely summed up the Top Four's summer so far so I'll leave them be. As for the rest, Tottenham continue to be linked to anyone with a pulse and Portsmouth finally got Crouch (good deal methinks).

For all we know Man City could have signed a whole host of new players this summer without us knowing as the press circle Eastlands like vultures waiting to see whether Ronaldinho was taking the piss all along (probably). Blackburn are probably hoping that key men like Friedel, Bentley, and Santa Cruz are persuaded to stay by Paul Ince rather than laughing in the face of the self styled 'Guv'nor'. Check out TomoftheRovers for all your vital Blackburn gossip (you know you want to).

Looking further down the table I imagine Roy Hodgson is quietly picking up random Scandinavians even he doesn't know whilst West Ham continue to fill the position formerly occupied by Aston Villa of being the most mundane club in the league. Watch out for them next season rocking the Prem in 10th or 11th spot with a goal difference of zero having won 12, drawn 13 and lost 13. Actually, scrap that comment, I forgot Middlesbrough were still around.

The three promoted teams haven't really done anything which suggests they're more likely to stay up. Boateng could be a decent capture for Hull I guess. By the way, does anyone else recall such a low key £11m transfer as that of Johan Elmander to Bolton?

RedandWhiteRant seems to have all things Sunderland covered in his informative blog so head on over there for all the goings on at the SoL (that's the Stadium of Light by the way, not the Sex Offenders List). I'm sure he will join me in saying that hopefully one day the 'Toon Army' (ironic lol!) will crawl back under that rock from where they once came. Maybe King Kev has been catching up over the summer on all that footy he missed in his managerial absence? Has Terry McDermott finally sorted out that back line after over a decade of trying? Did Mike Ashley really go back to wearing a shirt and suit after getting a severe case of 'jogger's nipple' from his replica top? I think we all know the answer is 'no' to the above. Be sure to tune in though to the 24/7 hilarious sitcom that is 'St James' Park' this coming 08/09 season.

So who's left? Ah yes, Wigan. Kapo is having a medical as I type with the Pie Eaters. They also want Andy Johnson for around £10m...which brings me nicely back to the depressing summer at Everton.

'Don't laugh at others if you can't laugh at yourself' is a phrase oft used by yours truly so if I've had a dig at your club then fear not for the chances are it'll be accompanied by a knowing look at the powers that be at Goodison Park.

The lack of transfer activity has left many worried about the upcoming season. How can the 5th best club in the land face such a summer of uncertainty? Because it's Everton, that's why. No warchest (what a great word), no news on Moyes' contract, and a doomed stadium move if Hazel Blears calls the project in (although that would be a positive in my opinion). Once again we seem to be letting a huge summer in the modern history of Everton slip by and with it our chances of progression. Admittedly we're a pessimistic lot but the push to break into the top four seems a long way off right now.

Roll on 08/09? Nah, let's give it a bit longer, shall we?

During the post match ceremony of the men's singles final at Wimbledon the camera focussed in on Roger Federer looking absolutely gutted, close to tears even. Bearing in mind Federer's awesome achievements at Wimbledon, the BBC commentator said "you can't feel sorry for Federer."

Except I did.

Whilst Nadal was absolutely incredible this evening, so was Federer in the way he fought back from the brink of defeat at 2-0 and 2-1 down in the third and fourth set tie breaks. I often go for the underdog which today would have had to have been Nadal given Federer's record at Wimbledon. Yet it seemed like Federer was the one expected to fail, the one whose time was up.

His success meant that he was (and still is) a crowd favourite and an all time legend. In a way though he became a victim of his own success and you sensed the crowd were willing Nadal on more as the time had come for a new champion, as was the case towards the end of Sampras' career.

Change may be good, but it can also be sad.

Tonight we witnessed the end of an era and possibly the start of the end of the Federer legend. He may well continue to be right up there winning titles for a few years yet but he won't ever be as dominant as winning 5 Wimbledons in a row again.

 It's inevitable and also necessary that cycles come to an end for the good of all games. That's partly the reason now that so many people are becoming disillusioned with the Premier League given the dominance of one or two teams. But it's more poignant when it involves one individual and for Federer I think that sad watershed in his career was this evening.

I'd love to be wrong but I think it's a case of 'the King is dead, long live the King'.

The unpronouncable foreigner; a commentator's worst nightmare (apart from a team full of bleached blond Romanians). Even for those names we can manage to say correctly we often don't know the meaning behind them.

Take Jacek Bak for example (Polish centre half). His surname apparently means 'bumble bee' or in Polish slang 'fart'. Cue the tabloid jokes about him having a stinker of a game (taxi!).

Some names look and sound great but change it into the English equivalent and it doesn't quite have the same exotic ring to it. Roberto Carlos becomes Robert Charles, Giovanni Tedesco (Palermo) would be John German, and Jorge Campos (Mexican goalie of garish coloured kit fame) is George Fields.

With the Germany v Spain final in mind, let's take a look at what they have to offer. For the Germans we have Schweinsteiger whose name quite literally means "Pig Climber". If you see Der Kaiser Franz Beckenbauer in the crowd at all then rejoice at the fact your own surname isn't "Basin Farmer".

On the Spanish side we have a plethora of translatable names: in goal, Iker Little Boxes, at right back, Sergio Bouquets, and up front Fernando Towers. Even on the bench we have Reina (Queen) and Ruben De La Red which quite literally is Ruben of the Network.

Other Spaniards who didn't make the squad also have great names. Remember Del Horno who played for Chelsea? His name means "From the Oven". There's a defender who plays for Espanyol called Jesús María De La Cruz. Try singing "There's only one Jesus Mary of the Cross". 

One of my personal favourites would be former Real Madrid stalwart Fernando Hierro. How about this for a pure comic book superhero name.....Ferdinand Iron!

Roy Wegerle is also a funny name. 

Despite the entertaining Euros currently being played out in Austria and Switzerland, judging by the comments of many people on here it "just won't be the same" without good old England over there dragging down the standard of football on offer.

With me being firmly in the club before country camp, I'm not particularly bothered about England's absence nor was I when they failed to qualify on that infamous night with McLaren and his brolly at Wembley. I do understand, however, that many fans do count that as one of the ultimate lows as a fan alongside other national failures. Being an Everton fan brings along far too many downsides on its own without having to resort to worrying about England!

My main two came in the 90's:

1) 1994 final day of the season versus Wimbledon.

Despite not having a ticket (my dad thought it'd be too much for little 10yr old me to take!) I resorted to following the game on Ceefax. I'd been kicking a ball against a wall outside all morning going through great escape scenarios in my head pretending I was Tony Cottee! I came in at 3pm to watch the black and green text screens change over and over in the hope of seeing the Everton goal column change every time it came around. As it happens, my heart sank when I saw after 5 mins Dean Holdsworth had scored a penalty to give the now defunct Crazy Gang the lead.

Being too impatient for us to get an equaliser, I resorted to turning on the radio to listen to the game, something I've never really enjoyed doing as it makes me nervous. Then, as Gary Ablett comically turned the ball into his own net to make it 2-0, the commentator came out with a soundbite which sent shivers down my spine and still gives me goosebumps to this day:

"That could be the final nail in the coffin for Everton."

I couldn't take it anymore and only 20 minutes or so had been played. I cried and went outside to sob and kick the ball against the wall again and hope that by me pretending to be Graham Stuart instead of Tony Cottee then this might somehow spur the team on. It seemed to work as he scored a penalty before the break and later on what turned out to be a (dodgy) winner which kept us up but at that moment in time, even at the age of 10, I thought life couldn't get any worse. I could hear other kids laughing and saying that instead of our local derby being against Liverpool we'd be playing Tranmere instead.

2) v Sheffield Wednesday (h) '98

After the aforementioned great escape against Wimbledon, the local Liverpool Echo paper printed the front page headline "Never Again!". Except we found ourselves on the precipice of such a scenario just 4 years later. Whilst we would eventually secure our surival, somehow, with a draw at home to Coventry on the last day, all seemed lost after this game at Goodison against the Owls. 2-0 down at half time after a brace from future Everton player, Mark Pembridge, we managed to pull one back only for the white boot wearing Paolo Di Canio to round the keeper and slot in the last minute to make it 3-1. It was such a poor result and performance that everyone was shocked into thinking this could be the year we finally dropped. I remember being sat there at the final whistle unable to move especially when the next game up was at Highbury (the game where Adams wrapped up the title for Arsenal with a 4-0 win). To make matters worse, the Tannoy man decided to play "End of the Line" by The Honeyz (admit it, you remember the song) after the final whistle!

So there you have it. Two moments which, as depressing as they are to me, ultimately serve as a reminder as to how bad it used to be and how things are never as bad as they seem nowadays when your team loses at Craven Cottage (again) or when Oldham dump you out of the FA Cup.

...it would stand in front of a full length mirror admiring itself in a pair of Calvin Klein ball stranglers whilst combing back it's greasy black hair.

"How can the players not want to come to me?" Mr Real Madrid would say with a cheeky grin on his face, arrogance oozing out of every pore. "I'm dark, rich, and ever so handsome. Look at all the shiny bling I've got in my trophy room as well."

However, one day he sees Mr Manchester parading around with a beautiful new girlfriend who is the envy of everyone. Walking past, the girl glances at Mr Real Madrid and gives him a knowing wink. "What a winker! I must have her!" he says. "But I'm so shy really, I couldn't possibly ask her out myself. I best get on the phone to my agent, Mr Marca, to see if he can arrange a date for me."

Having got Mr Marca to do his dirty work, Mr Madrid sits around impatiently waiting, demanding his agent to call every day until she agrees to come over. Mr Manchester gets annoyed though and threatens to send the notorious FIFA gangsters around if he doesn't back off. With his tail between his legs, Mr Madrid backs off and goes home alone to play with his toys. This annoys him even more as he discovers his pet tamagochi, Robben, is broken...again. 

The next day Mr Real Madrid is woken up by a call from his agent Mr Marca. "I have some good news for you, sir! That girl you've been after for so long is going on holiday to Switzerland and Austria....alone. Shall I sort a flight out for you?"

"Don't be so silly, the FIFA mob will kill me! Why don't you go and have a word with her for me?"

A week later and Mr Madrid gets the call he has been desperate to hear:

"Good news, sir. She is refusing to speak to Mr Manchester and is desperate to come over. I must warn you though that the cost of the flight is ridiculous, around £80m! Plus she's high maintenance. She'll need around £200,000 per week just to cover her spending habits."

Undeterred, Mr Real Madrid gives it the go ahead and goes back to his daily preening in front of the mirror, pleased with his days work. "I told you nobody can resist me," he said to himself, "I just hope we don't bump into Mr Manchester on our European travels next year." 

Whilst Liverpool may well be a rumour city (as Michael Owen once said), stories refuse to go away linking Everton owner, Bill Kenwright, with a sale of the club. The prospective owners in question vary depending on who you talk to:

1) Sir Philip Green. Owner of Topman and BHS, he's a Tottenham fan who once declined an offer to become a majority shareholder in Everton but gives the club business advice alongside Tesco CEO, and lifelong Everton fan, Terry Leahy.

2) Robert Earl. Owner of Planet Hollywood and another Tottenham fan who, like Green, is a friend of Kenwright. Already has substantial shares in the club and is believed to have financed the Yakubu deal himself. Possible, but supposed to be leaning more towards a takeover of Tottenham than The Toffees.

3) Boris Berezovsky, the ex-Russian oligarch and member of Boris Yeltsin's inner circle now exiled in London due to his opposition to Vladimir Putin. A quick glance at his Wikipedia entry must provide the FA's "Fit and Proper Person" panel with a headache. Arrest warrants in Russia and Brazil, target of several assassination attempts, linked with Litvinenko poisoning in London etc etc...

4) Mikhail Khodorkovsky. Another Russian who has fallen victim to the Putin regime. Currently serving time in some dodgy backwater prison in Russia for alleged financial irregularities. Rumoured to be due for release early 2009 and set to get back a substantial amount of his fortune from the Russian government which illegally seized a vast amount of his wealth in relation to his oil company Yukos. Interestingly though has links with Chris Samuelson, the man who was part of the Fortress Sports Fund which helped get Paul Gregg off the Everton board.

5) Sir Paul McCartney. Believed to want to give something back to the city due to it's status as Capital of Culture this year and is currently in Liverpool where he is believed to be holding talks after his concert this Sunday. Recently admitted he was from a family of Evertonians. Trying to get Ringo Starr in on the act too (who is believed to favour a ground share with Liverpool). Takeover bid could be hit though due to his recent court divorce battle with Heather Mills.

So do any of these tales hold any credibility? Probably not. For a start I've just made up number 5 off the top of my head showing how easy it is to start a rumour or make general assumptions. If we're to challenge the top four at all though then it'll need heavy investment. The question is though do we want to 'sell our soul' and go down the Liverpool and Man City route running the risk of the club destroying itself from the inside out?

The latest rumour to come from the Iberian peninsula is that Robinho is a target for Arsenal. His agent, Wagner Ribeiro, admitted in March at a meeting with Real Madrid sporting director, Pedrag Mijatovic, that Wenger enquired about the Brazilian last summer and was told that if things continued as they were at the time (i.e he was always on the bench) then he would be leaving.

Whilst playing an important part in the first half of Real's season, injury forced him out of the team and he has since lost his place to Arjen Robben who himself played a vital role in wrapping up the league title. If he is unable to reclaim his place, reports suggest he'll be off as he's fed up of playing second fiddle.

In other news, Ronald Koeman has given an interview in Holland saying "it was a mistake to sign for Valencia". He also lambasted the three players he outcast (Canizares, Angulo, and Albelda) as creating a negative atmosphere at the club and how "it seemed strange to me that having been told they weren't part of my plans they continued training with the squad and coming into the dressing room."

He saved his harshest outburst though for winger Joaquín of whom he said "players like him cost 30 million euros but given their performances they'd now go for just 30 euros."

Joaquín replied by saying Koeman "didn't have the balls to say things to my face whereas I did with him. I told him I didn't understand they way he behaved towards me and how he treated me like a youth player. I believe from the moment he arrived he had wanted to fuck me over and I told him so. The only thing that concerned him was having dinner with 5 or 7 bottles of wine so he went to bed warm at night. Voro (Valencia caretaker manager) has taken the same amount of points, or even more, from 5 games than Koeman did in 5 months."

Speaking of his exclusion from Spain's Euro 2008 squad he said "I don't hold him totally responsable for me not going to the Euro's but 99% of the blame is his."

Crikey! What I'd give for more interviews like this in England rather than the boring, bog standard, cliched answers we get from monotone players like Michael Owen.

Oh and finally Marca once again report that Cristiano Ronaldo has told Real Madrid he wants to play for them next season. Yawn

The climax to this year's Spanish league season lacks the final day drama that was played out last year between Barcelona and Real Madrid. Although UEFA Cup spots are still to be decided and Zaragoza's nightmare season could see them slip into La Segunda, the press really aren't that interested if it doesn't involve the big two. Fortunately for them though they haven't had to sit around too much thinking of what rubbish they can fill their pages with thanks mainly to the strange actions of other teams and players.

First of all we have wonderkid Bojan Krkic of Barcelona opting out of going to the Euro's this summer because he's "exhausted" after having played the World and European Under 17 competitions in the last two years. It's a hard life, isn't it? Fernando Morientes felt compelled to weigh in and declare it "strange" and that his absence is down to "something hidden". Keep your eyes peeled as to what that could be.

Next up is the Levante players who this Monday announced they were going on strike, something they have threatened to do in the past in protest at not having been paid since the year dot. Their final league game was supposed to see them travel to the Bernabéu to join in the Real Madrid end of season party. Given that the home side are already champions and Levante were relegated many weeks back it provided an ideal time to strike given the lack of affect it would have on the league standings. It seems that Real, however, are determined to have their celebrations and said that while they support the Levante players, they may want the game to go ahead even under the banner of it being a friendly. 'Fine,' said Levante, 'but we'll only start with 7 men on the pitch (the minimum number allowed for a game to start) and 5 minutes in one of our players will have to come off injured." Result? The referee is forced to call the game off as they can't continue with only 6 men.

In transfer news I'm sure by now you've all heard of Cristiano Ronaldo's comments about a possible move to Real Madrid. I won't bore you again with the details other than to add that Marca (Spain's biggest selling daily football paper and mouthpiece to Real Madrid) have been commenting on his will he/won't he move everyday without fail since the turn of the year in the hope of engineering a move out of it.

At Barcelona, Deco and Eto'o look certain to be shipped out the club (not to mention Ronaldinho and possibly others) as fans turned on them during the home defeat to Mallorca. Their every touch was greeted with boo's as fans showed their anger at them deliberately picking up yellow cards before the Real Madrid game so they wouldn't have to play and form part of the 'pasillo' (guard of honour) at the Bernabéu. There are also reports that after the Champions League final, Man Utd centre back Piqué will rejoin the Catalans for a fee of around £4m.

To finish off with, a transfer story (clearly made up) that surprisingly wasn't picked up on by the English press this week. Marca claim that Chelsea offered around £40m to Liverpool on Monday for Fernando Torres which was immediately rejected but Abramovich is set to increase the bid. The article also claimed that Avram Grant was interested in his services and wanted to meet him through his contact Yossi Benayoun! Now I understand the Israeli/Jewish connection between these two but quite why he'd want to help set up the sale of his own team's best player to a main rival is beyond me. Full marks for trying to make the story sound plausible though, something their English counterparts regularly fail to do.

Quite often these days we see teams play mind games by saying how a team with nothing to play for should respect the integrity of the competition by still fielding a strong team. Come the back end of the season we often see Liverpool thrown into this bracket as their policy of early season rotation leaves their title challenge in ruins so they're fresh for the Champions League later on.

We saw it again at the weekend with the pressure being piled on Wigan to put in a performance against Man Utd (which they did).

Cast your mind way back to December and Everton were actually in this position. Having already won 3 out of 3 and ensuring top spot in their UEFA Cup group the pressure was off as the Toffees travelled to AZ Alkmaar for a pre Christms piss up. The home side needed a result to progress and were expected to do so against a 2nd XI Everton team. Given the weird format of the UEFA Cup, Zenit St. Petersburg had already played their matches (taking just 5 points out of 12) and knew that a result for Alkmaar would send them crashing out.

However, Everton's weakened side came away with a 3-2 win thus ensuring the Russians progressed by the skin of their teeth. It's strange how they struggled in a pretty average group yet went on to destroy the likes of Marseille, Villarreal, Bayer Leverkusen, and Bayern Munich.

I was glad they won because they have played some great stuff especially on the counter attack and put in a good show at Goodison despite playing a lot of the game with ten men. It does make you wonder though what could have been when the eventual winner is a team you've already beaten en route, even more so when they wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for you.

So we got there in the end. A 5 point gap between ourselves and Villa makes it look a lot easier than it ended up being given the fact they pushed us hard for that UEFA Cup spot in the final few weeks of the season.

Despite the poor form since the Fiorentina game in March, we had started picking up again these last 3 games. On reflection it has been a very good season albeit one without any silverware. Europe for the 3rd time in 4 years beckons, we improved our league position, had an extended run in a cup competition and improved our squad with a few cheap gems in the form of Pienaar and England's latest defensive call up Phil Jagielka.

His inclusion in Capello's squad has got me thinking though as I can't see him being in our first XI come August. Yobo is immovable for his strength and pace, Lescott will revert to centre back and Baines will surely start left back once we get that midfield dominator (with height and strength) we need. We won't have paid £6m for Baines to use him as back up again.

Hats off to Yakubu who became the first Everton player to surpass the 20 goal mark since Peter Beardsley in the early '90s. Also a special mention to Lee Carsley who may well have played his last game for the club but has been superb once again. I could mention other players but the truth is there are very few negatives to pick out in a fine season so most players get a pat on the back from me.

However, Arteta has been a disappointment this season given his early season form although that's hardly surprising as he's been playing with stomach/groin problems since December. Phil Neville is another who has been a victim of the boo boys this season due to his woeful passing but he never hides on the pitch.

As for next season? More of the same would be good as we slowly build with a limited budget. It's important that we keep getting European football and having that edge over other well off teams directly below us for signing players. Pushing for fourth place again would be good although with the influx of money the top four are due to get again from CL revenue it's becoming harder by the year and will need to see an Arsenal collapse or more Liverpool boardroom unrest for us to even come close.

An FA Cup or League Cup win would do nicely though. In the meantime let the silly season begin and let's see what the most ridiculous story is of the summer

No matter who the playing personnel are or the manager, there are certain situations at Everton when the script is just written and you can see it a mile off. Given our pessimistic nature it's hardly surprising that these scripts rarely work in our favour.

Against Arsenal on Sunday we needed a point against an understrength Gunners side with nothing to play for. Despite looking comfortable for a point you could sense it coming.

Not posing much of a threat and our defence looking solid, Arsenal duly scored through Bendtner. If stories are to be believed the young Dane doesn't get on well with many at the Emirates, not least Adebayor. He does seem to have the look of the gimp on a student pub crawl who doesn't drink because it'll undo all the good work he's put in at the gym. You know the sort, the one who wears the University Rugby team hoody as a fashion item.

We should still qualify for the UEFA Cup although we have left ourselves in a position where we are sweating more than we should be. It's all set up for Owen and Keegan to return and spoil the final day of the season. Wigan have already done us a favour, let's not be relying on West Ham to do us another. Given their disgraceful showing at Man Utd we can't really expect much from them, can we?

This season alone we have seen Chelsea knock Liverpool out of the Carling Cup and then go on to knock Everton out of the same competition at the semi final stage.

Last night as we all know they also dumped Liverpool out of the Champions League. The Reds may have had the upper hand in previous CL games and one FA Cup semi but overall they have struggled against Chelsea in other competitions and up until yesterday had never scored a goal at Stamford Bridge under Benítez.

Everton have fared even worse and haven't beaten Chelsea for 8 years now. That last win back in 2000 our line up featured such 'stars' as Danny Cadamarteri and Idan Tal; Chelsea had Slavisa Jokanovic and Sam Dalla Bona.

How is it that teams can come to have such a hold over you? Whilst our Premiership record against most teams is poor due to our '90s slump (Villa have gotten more points off us than any other team!)  we can still every now and then muster up a win over top teams. Arsenal have suffered a couple of defeats in recent years at Goodison and even Man Utd succumbed to a Duncan Ferguson header back in 2005.

Can we add Chelsea to that list next season please?!

I've heard that phrase used a lot this weekend; apparently Alex Ferguson likes to use it quite a bit so with Chelsea v Man Utd dominating the headlines it's no real surprise given the closeness of the title race.

Matters closer to Merseyside though mean it is quite an apt phrase for the blues of Everton right now. Despite challenging Liverpool for 4th all year, the arse has dropped out of our season and just one win in 7 games means we are in danger of not even finishing 5th.

Failure to do so would be a real disappointment as it would mean relying on the Intertoto bloody Cup to get into Europe again (presuming we finish 6th).

With the fixtures both us and Villa have left, the Midlands outfit must be favourites to claim that UEFA Cup spot. Given our wretched record against the top four teams this season, I can't see us getting anything from our trip to the Emirates next weekend. Even Newcastle at home on the last day will provide a sterner test than what we imagined just a few weeks ago when it was looked at as a home banker when the Magpies were in freefall.

On the other hand, Villa have a home game against Wigan and a final day trip to Upton Park (or the Boleyn Ground if you wan't to be an arse) to look forward to. When you're relying on such teams to do you a favour it can't be good news. Here's to hoping the tricky blues can get the four points needed to hold them off

Sex, apparently:

"I did this when I started off with the [Brazilian] national team, in one of my first trips. I don't remember exactly when," he recalled on a program on Globo television network. "We took a flight to Switzerland. The rest is history."

Maybe there is hope for the WAG's yet! Get them on the plane with the current England lot on long haul flights to Kazakhstan etc and let them go nuts. Quite how keen they would be to sample the boutiques of extreme Eastern Europe once they got there remains to be seen but if they lie back and think of England then we might see a few more Romario-esque performances instead of having to put up with Stewart Downing cameos

Despite having played them four times this season, it's Chelsea who seem to have got the measure of us with each passing game rather than us building on a good 1-1 draw at Stamford Bridge earlier this season. Since then we have tasted defeat on each occasion and deservedly so. Good riddance 'til next year I say.

Thursday's game was probably the most clear cut and comfortable for the visitor's as Everton's lack of midfield options clearly showed. With all the money in the world at their disposal it's hardly surprising that Chelsea have a squad better equipped to deal with injuries/bsences to Drogba, Lampard, and Ballack than we do for our most creative/impactive players in the shape of Osman, Cahill, and Arteta.

However, the lack of back up options we do have has been an underlying worry all season as Carsley and Neville together in the middle is a partnership which can only be described as shit. Neither of them are players to take the game by the scruff of the neck or collect the ball from defence so it's no wonder we spent most of the first half chasing Chelsea shadows and looking like the away team.

This lack of depth is threatening to unravel what has been a good season. Progress has been made in cup competitions but if we fail to hang onto fifth and qualify again for Europe then it will ultimately have been a failure.

More worryingly is that the funds to build on the promising signs shown so far don't appear to be there. We still can't finalise a £2m absolute bargain of a deal for Pienaar and we're being linked with all sorts of tripe from weaker Prem teams or Championship fodder:

Exhibit A: Stephen Carr. Back in the day he was a zippy full back for Spurs linking up well with Simon Davies...and we all know how well Simon Davies did for us ho hum! He's 31 and has hardly set the Toon alight. Why are we being linked with him? We do need a right back undoubtedly but this isn't the answer.

Exhibit B: Sylvain Ebanks-Blake. So he's scored a few goals at Plymouth and Wolves, woop de doo. Can you really see him replacing Yakubu or Johnson? We may as well have kept hold of McFadden if this is to be his replacement. Another one I hope is just tomorrow's chip paper.

Exhibit C: Brian Howard. Ok, he scored a 90th minute winner for Barnsley at Anfield which gets him in my good books but given our lack of height and presence in midfield, signing a 5ft 8" 25 year old Championship player doesn't make sense....unless Moyes has spotted something similar in him to Cahill? I doubt it though.

To borrow a quote from an article on popular Everton fanzine site When Skies are Grey, "If we are going to be spuriously linked with people it would better if they could at least be either shit hot or else dead obscure so we might at least suspect that they could be ace."  Here's to hoping of more links with David Bentley rather than Steven Reid!

A question that is often bandied about by the media, but is it true or do they hype it up that much that we expect amazing finales year in year out?

A few weeks back everyone was saying how everything would be decided on the final day: the winners, the fight for 4th and Europe, and the relegation battle. With Everton's poor form since the Fiorentina game the fight for 4th is well and truly over with Liverpool now 5 points clear of us (bearing in mind we still have Chelsea and Arsenal to play). The lack of a top four team in the FA Cup final has also meant fewer league places than normal for European qualification putting an early end to the season for the likes of Blackburn and Man City who now have the prospect of thw Intertoto cup to play for.

At the top, Arsenal have managed to blow their chances of winning the league putting paid to media predictions of three teams fighting it out on the last day for the title. Chelsea have more than a fighting chance (and could even be level points with Man Utd come Thursday night) but it's looking more likely that the Red Devils have done enough to retain the league.

Only a few weeks back as well it looked like that any team from 13th downwards could still go down whereas now only Reading and Birmingham would seriously conisder themselves in trouble.

Is the final day of the season going to be a let down or are there a few more twists and turns to come?

Compared with derby games around the world, English ones are tame affairs nowadays...and thankfully so. We don't have the stabbings that occur in Italy nor do we have missile throwing and fan charging that can be seen in Argentina. The press and Sky have a habit of calling the Merseyside derby the 'friendly' derby. How true is this though?

Given that friends and family are often a mix of red and blue, it is friendly in the sense that any derby disagreement can be resolved pretty quickly over a pint. Even yesterday I met a Liverpudlian friend of mine and had a laugh with him about how poor we were. Having been brought up on a footballing diet of Mike Walker and Walter Smith in the '90's, it's important to have a sense of humour being an Evertonian...if you can't laugh at yourself then you'd only end up crying!

Perhaps that is part of the problem surrounding the game today; an increasing minority of young blues aren't able to take defeat to Liverpool in a gracious manner. I'm not saying defeat to your most hated rivals doesn't hurt when it obviously does as hating your closest and fiercest rivals is only natural. The bitterness shown by some though is truly astonishing. On the other hand we have a significant number of Liverpool fans who arrogantly antagonise not only Evertonians but their own fans too by showing complete disrespect and a lack of knowledge of the game. Look out for these whoppers wandering around in replica shirts, pissed after a pint, and probably needing an A-Z to get to Anfield.

The nasty vibe has been around for years now coinciding with both teams fall from grace since their domination of the '80's. Bragging rights took on more importance than ever with the lack of silverware. Liverpool fans didn't like that after being on top for so long, they went five years without a derby win between '94 and '99. Then the tide turned when Nick Barmby made the move across Stanley Park and it was Everton's turn to endure a five year drought. Shrines to Dixie Dean and the Hillsborough memorial were vandalised with red and blue paint, Everton chants became more personal and vicious whilst Liverpool fans attacks came in phlegm form as they spat on the away section below them. Love thy neighbour? You must be joking!

It's hardly guerrilla warfare but friendly it most certainly ain't. It seems nowadays that any mutual appreciation and unity is limited to times of tragedy like after Hillsborough and the death of Everton youngster Rhys Jones. The days of fans chanting 'Merseyside' on the terraces and 'are you watching, Manchester?' seem a long time ago.

A disappointing derby performance at Anfield has left injury hit Everton with a mountain to climb in the race for fourth. In fact, given Portsmouth's recent form it may be wise to concentrate on securing fifth spot rather than worry about Liverpool pulling further away.

The starting line up was one which I expected. Playing two defensive midfielders has worked ok in tougher away fixtures this season with wins over Tottenham and Man City proving so. The main problem was the lack of options on the bench. To get a result we needed to make sure we didn't concede early on. Oh dear.

Without much scope to change things around we handed Liverpool the initiative and they really should have wrapped the game up by half time. The fact they didn't meant we came out in the second half gaining control of the ball better but without doing much with it. The only real chance which fell our way was a Leon Osman header from a free kick.

If we had the option of bringing on Johnson or Anichebe then we may have made Liverpool sweat a bit more for the win. Hands up though, we deserved nothing. Even if results go as expected next week and we beat Derby at home and Liverpool lose at Arsenal then we still have to play Chelsea at home and travel to the Emirates. The gap could be down to just two points again but our faltering form means I'm not confident we can overhaul Liverpool anymore. 

With this weekend's Merseyside derby fast approaching it's time to turn our attention to our loveable neighbours. Running the risk of being labelled a 'bitter blue shite' by the self proclaimed 'most knowledgeable fans in the land', I thought I'd go over what irritates me so much about them and what frankly just makes me laugh. Feel free to join in!

1) The fans

Now I have several good friends who are die hard, knowledgeable reds who go the game and know their stuff. Unfortunately these lads are few and far between. Meet a fellow blue in the city and the chances are he/she knows their stuff. Meet a red and they'll probably tell you how much they love football and Grand Slam Sunday's before asking you if you know what the score was last night and who are they playing at the weekend. Chances are they've never been to Anfield and have no knowledge of football prior to the start of the Premier League despite being well into their 30's

2) The Kop

Ah yes, the fabled Kop. The commentators constantly recall those memorable European nights when the 12th man helped the mighty reds overcome the enemy. Let's face it, any set of fans can make a noise against Barcelona or Inter Milan. Shame they aren't there the rest of the time when the likes of Fulham come to town to hear the grumbles of discontent and whinging aplenty. Did you know back in the day they used to piss in each other's pockets so as not to lose their place in the crowd? Stuff of legend indeed.

3) Badge Man

Remember him? The loon who shows his allegiance to the reds by covering himself from head to toe with badges and a flashing red light on his forehead. Last seen away at Leverkusen in 2005 when he got plenty of tv coverage in Germany. Rumour has it some fans were so embarrassed by him that night he received death threats and has not been seen since. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uu_nalTHsss Skip to 2.23 for him in all his glory

4) The managers

Roy Evans got the ball rolling when he said he would "never call Everton the School of Science again" after his side failed to overcome those pesky blues during a midweek derby in the mid '90s. Houllier then made a tit of himself by claiming Robbie Fowler was "eating the grass like Rigobert Song did at Metz" after his coke snorting celebrations.

5) Rafael "Rafa" Benítez

This guy deserves a section of his own with his "small club" jibe to hide his own team's inability to overcome Everton in last season's Anfield derby. Since Mourinho's departure from these shores he has unsuccessfully tried to take over the mantle of comedy villain. Likes to defend the indefensible (hello Javier Mascherano!). Has managed to hoodwink the fans (not hard I guess) into believing that the root of all the problems this season lay squarely at the feet of the owners. He also brings people like this out of the woodwork http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=wU6E-twT5F8 Cringeworthy or what!

6) Steven "Stevie G Laa" Gerrard

Give him his due he's a good player. However his antics in 'having a word' with Mark Clattenburg in this season's Goodison derby were dispicable. Apparently doesn't like cheats despite evidence to the contrary http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=uVb2gbMtN3I I also remember him doing that horrible hand-to-the-ear provocative celebration at Goodison once that Beckham used to get a bad rap for.

7) Phil Thompson

I'm sick of seeing him and his beak on Sky. I have a personal grievance with Pinocchio actually when he pushed in front of me at a sports centre once back in the '90s when he was still selling sheds and fireplaces.

8) Luck brings success

Unrivalled in the amount of good fortune they get. Derby games alone they get more than their fair share of decisions. Clattenburg's bias this season and Graham Poll chalking off a perfectly legitimate goal (which he has since admitted was a bad decision) immediately spring to mind. For the older generation one name always crops up: ex referee Clive Thomas.

Even in non derby games things always seem to run their way. Fortuitous goals like Collymore's bobble over Blackburn's Tim Flowers in the '90s (repeated by McManaman against Spurs not too long after), Jaaskelainen's own goal at the Reebok last month, and the goal that never was against Chelsea in the 2005 Champions League semi final.

Consider the trophies they have won since the turn of the century. Winning the Champions League (on penalties) despite being outplayed for 123 minutes of the game. A league cup win over lower league Birmingham in 2001 (on penalties). An FA Cup win over West Ham (on penalties) in which they were 20 seconds away from losing. Another cup win over Arsenal despite being outplayed for 81 minutes. A UEFA Cup win in extra time thanks to an own goal against an Alavés team with 9 men.

So there you have it, rant over, although this is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure others have their own reasons. I haven't even mentioned the fans in Athens last season who stole tickets off kids to get in the ground and rushed the gate to get in then blame it on UEFA. We all have our idiots I guess although some more than most.