In Off the Post

And give it a well deserved kicking.

"Helen Chamberlain’s former sidekick has celebrated leaving Soccer AM for 6.06 with a book. Taylor Parkes wants to know why anyone – anyone – thought it was a good idea to expose the presenter’s ego and prejudices across 288 smugly written pages

Soccer AM is a bad memory: hungover mornings in other people’s flats, disturbed by a crew of whooping simpletons, the slurping of pro and ex-pro rectums, cobbled-together comedy that made me long for the glory days of Skinner and Baddiel’s old sh*t. Yet Tim Lovejoy himself, with his fashionably receding hair and voice oddly reminiscent of Rod Hull’s, I remember only as an averagely blokey TV presenter – in fact, one of the few averagely blokey TV presenters to make me clack my tongue in irritation, rather than buff my Gurkha knife. Other than as a namesake of The Simpsons’ self-serving man of the cloth, he barely registered; just a bland, blond ringmaster in a cocky circus of crap. Almost a surprise, then, to find that his new book is not just ­tedious in the extreme, it is utterly vile.

Chopped into “chapters” that barely fill a page, in a font size usually associated with books for the partially sighted, Lovejoy on Football is part autobiography, part witless musing, and one more triumph for the crass stupidity rapidly replacing culture in this country. Hopelessly banal and nauseatingly self-assured, smirkingly unfunny, it’s a £300 T-shirt, a p*ss-you-off ringtone, a YouTube clip of someone drinking their mate’s vomit. Its smugness is a corollary of its vacuity. I hope it makes you sick.

First, it’s clear that being Tim Lovejoy requires a very special blend of arrogance and ignorance. When he’s not listing his media achievements with a breathtaking lack of guile, he’s sneering at those “sad” enough to take an interest in football history, revealing his utter cluelessness about life outside the Premier League (in a section called “Know Your Silverware”, he refers to “League Three”) and making sundry gaffes, major and minor. He names Johan Cruyff as his all-time favourite player, then admits he’s only seen that five-second World Cup clip of the Cruyff turn. Grumbling about footballers’ musical tastes, he complains that “all you’ll hear blasting out of the team dressing room is R&B, rather than what the rest of the country is listening to” – by which he means indie bands. Everywhere there are jaw-dropping illustrations of insularity, self-­satisfaction and a startlingly small mind.

There’s something sinister here, too: beamingly positive, thrilled by wealth, too pleased with himself to ask awkward questions, Tim Lovejoy is the football fan Sepp Blatter has been waiting for. Roman ­Abramovich’s darling young one. Not least for his complacency: his lack of understanding of how football works (and doesn’t work) is best illustrated in a section called “Give Your Chairman A Break”, in which he defends “that Thai bloke at Man City”, and implores us to “look at the Glazers... you would have thought they were nothing but a bunch of Americans intent on buying the club and selling off Old Trafford to Tesco judging by the howl of protests from the fans. Within two seasons though, they had won the title and built a squad the envy of Europe.” Bang your head off the wall at such unreviewable stupidity – Tim’s infantile ideas of shunning “negativity” prod him into precisely the kind of thinking that has had such hugely negative influence on the game. “Look across our national team” – he means England, by the way – “and there isn’t one player who wouldn’t walk into any side in Europe... why is it, before every tournament, we start believing we’re overrated?”

And, surprise: Lovejoy is as wretched a starf**ker as could be inferred from his television shows. Everyone in football is Tim’s mate (and here we have pictures to prove it, stars looking confused in his grinning, over-familiar presence, frozen by an arm around the shoulders). He’ll “even watch the occasional game of rugby now, because I’m friends with a lot of the players like Will Greenwood, Matt Dawson, Lawrence ­Dallaglio and Austin Healy”.

It’s perhaps telling that among the many anecdotes offered here, the most heartwarming (and least surprising) involves Tim getting clattered hard by Neil Ruddock in a charity game; even in this version of the story, there’s nothing to suggest Razor meant it affectionately. Still, our man is blinded by quite astonishing hubris, reprinting a photo of a banner at Anfield reading “LOVEJOY SUCKS BIG FAT COCKS” with a glee that is nothing like self-deprecation. “The hardest thing about leaving ­Soccer AM,” he says regretfully, “is the thought that I might no longer be influencing the game.” True, it’ll be tough. But who knows? Perhaps the game will struggle on.

It’s not that there was ever a time when football on telly wasn’t in the hands of dimwits, poseurs and blowhards. It’s not that Lovejoy is significantly more objectionable than TV sh*ts of ages past. The point is, in his own mind and that of the powers that be, he’s one of us. He is us. Savour that. God help us.

Club	Wage rank 2006/07	League position 2006/07		Total wages 2006/07 £m	Total wages 2005/06 £m	% increase
Chelsea	1	2		132.8	114.0	17%
Manchester United	2	1		92.3	85.4	8%
Arsenal	3	4		89.7	83.0	8%
Liverpool	4	3		77.6	68.9	13%
Newcastle United	5	13		62.5	52.2	20%
Premier League average	5.5	10.5		48.5	42.7	13%
West Ham United	6	15		44.2	31.2	41%
Tottenham Hotspur	7	5		43.8	40.7	8%
Aston Villa	8	11		43.2	38.3	13%
Everton	9	6		38.4	37.0	4%
Middlesbrough	10	12		38.3	n/a	n/a
Portsmouth	11	9		36.9	24.8	49%
Blackburn Rovers	12	10		36.7	33.4	10%
Manchester City	13	14		36.4	34.3	6%
Fulham	14	16		35.2	30.1	17%
Charlton Athletic	15	19		34.3	34.2	0%
Bolton Wanderers	16	7		30.7	28.5	8%
Reading	17	8		29.8	14.2	109%
Wigan Athletic	18	17		27.5	20.6	34%
Sheffield United	19	18		22.4	15.2	48%
Watford	20	20		17.6	10.0	76%

Deloitte have released their findings on the Premier League clubs spending on wages for the season 2006/2007. It makes for some interesting reading (see above).

Chelsea unsurprisingly lead the way, with a whopping £132.8 million spent on wages, with Manchester United lagging behind on £92 million. Liverpool and Arsenal make up the predictable top 4 spenders with £89.7 million and £77.6 million respectively.

Given their league positions, Newcastle and West Hams fans might be worried to see their clubs 5th and 6th with such relatively high expenditure. By contrast Everton sit 9th in the wage league table with a modest outlay of £38.4 million.

It must be remembered that these figures are a year out of date. But even with that in mind the Chelsea figure is incredible. Their spending dwarves everyone in the league - presumably for Peter Kenyons target of a profitbale club by 2010 will require this figure to be significantly slashed.

Interestingly, the club with the highest debt in the league?

Chelsea again with debt levels of £620 million, just ahead again of Manchester United at £605 million. These figures were compiled before Liverpool's takeover and so I would presume they would slot in at third but the report has Arsenal listed as thrid with debt levels of £268 million. Eye watering stuff.

Roman Abramovich has proven himself interested enough in the football side of things to dispel any rumours he will walk away and while he is still there Chelsea need not worry about this figures. They do not function economically as a normal football club. If however, one of the rest of the big 4 suffered a problem and didn't qualify for the Champions League, the fallout would be very interesting.

Liverpool and Arsenal face a daunting task to compete with the real big spenders in the league. Arsenal have the Emirates stadium to help. Liverpool are yet to build their new stadium and seem unable to even get a design approved. Worrying times ahead on Merseyside I think.

RT

After a short delay, here is the final group.

Group D

Greece

Star Man: Theofanis Gekas

Theofanis Gekas is a no nonsense striker with an eye for goal.  During the 2006/07 season Gekas almost single handidly  saved German club VFL Bochum from relegation, finishing the Bundesliga top goal scorer. Gekas moved to Bayer Leverkusen at the beginning of this season, but has had a difficult time. Drifting in and out of the team he has showed glimpses of his goal scoring best, most notably recently with two goals in the UEFA cup quarter finals. But if Greece are to recreate their Euro 2004 heroics, they need Gekas to re find and maintain his scoring touch.

Key Player:  Giorgos Karagounis

Giorgos Karagounis sums up the Greek style of play perfectly. The midfielder is not fancy, doesn’t try tricks and keeps things simple. The result is a very effective team player, the base of which Greece built their Euro 2004 winning team around. The midfielder also has the ability to score from set piece situations, shown recently when he scored two free kicks in March of this year against Portugal. If Karagounis can maintain his high work rate, keeping the team tight and compact from his holding midfield position, then Greece could provide a few surprises.

One to Watch: Sotiris Ninis

With only one cap to his name, you may think Ninis is a long shot to make the Greece squad. However the midfielder who recently turned 18, scored on his debut a few days ago verses Cyprus and in doing so became Greeces youngest ever goal scorer. Ninis is a promising talent, with great technical ability. With the Greece team concentrating on hard work and a solid base, don’t be surprised to see Ninis start on the bench. If the game needs to be changed with a bit of individual flair they know who to call on.

Russia

Star Man: Andrei Arshavin

The small midfield playmaker is arguably the best player not playing in a major European league. Although much like the Russian national team, they are making quick strides to catch up with the best. This can be seen in Zenit St Petersburg UEFA cup win, in which Arshavin put in a man of the match performance, setting up both goals. Arshavin is a very skilful player with great technical ability. Not only does Arshavin have the ability to unlock defences with his great passing, but his scoring record isn’t too bad either. If Russia are to continue to show Europe that they are a force to be taken seriously then you can bet Arshavin will be at the heart of it.

Key Player: Igor Akinfeev

I must admit I am choosing Igor Akinfeev partly because he is a genius on Football Manager. Having broke into the CSKA Moscow team at only 17, the 22 year old he has still got his best years ahead of him.  With Russia manager favouring the 3-5-2 formation they may not be the most solid team defensively. There for Akinfeev may have a lot of work to do. If Akinfeev can pull off some fine saves, giving the back three confidence in the process, then Russia could cause a few problems.

One to Watch: Vladimir Bystrov

Probably the fastest player at Euro 2008, the fact his surname means “speedy” in Russian makes you feel it can be no coincidence. The left winger will look to get a lot of the ball and any full back not on their game will be taken to pieces. However as we have seen in certain players (Shaun Wright Phillips for example) if your final ball is not up to scratch then you can run all day long to no effect. If Bystrov can produce an end product to his devastating pace then every full back at Euro 2008 will be praying they don’t play Russia.

Spain

Star Man: Fernando Torres

Having been accused of lacking consistency, Torres has once and for all proved the critics wrong with a brilliant first season in England, beating Van Nistelrooys record of most goals in a debut season by a foreigner. The pacey striker, who is deadly in the area, staying calm at all times, will play alongside David Villa. Arguably the best strike force in Euro 2008. Spain fans will be hoping Torres continues his scoring form.  Spain manager Luis Aragones has called up two fairy inexperienced strikers as back up with only 2 caps between them, scoring 0 goals.  Some games will be won by the substitutions, if this is the case Spain may struggle.

Key Player: Marcos Senna

In a midfield packed with flair and attacking technical ability it is up to 31 year old Marcos Senna to hold it all together. With first choice David Albelda injured, Marcos Senna will have to prove despite his advancing age, he is the right man to break up opposition attacks and cover the Spanish back four.  If Senna can keep things simple and let the rest of the Spanish midfield take the attention away from him with their technique, flair and quick movement, then he will be doing his job well. Drawn in a favourable group, Spain will fancy their chances to finally go all the way in a major tournament.

One to Watch: Rubén de la Red

Having failed to break into the Real Madrid team, De La Red moved to Getafe at the beginning of this season. The play maker quickly established himself as one of their star players, with his great vision, touch and passing ability. He further showed how important he was to the team by spending a short spell playing centre back when injuries hit the Getafe team. De La Red certainly has a bright future ahead of him, returning to Real Madrid for next season. With an array of talent in the Spanish midfield it looks like Ruben De La Red will have to wait a bit longer to make his mark on the international stage.  

Star Man: Zlatan Ibrahimoviæ

Seemingly the marmite man of the football world, either he is a goal scoring predator, or a lazy over rated striker. He did not help his case during qualifying for Euro 2008 by failing to score and to make things worse after being sent home for breaking curfew, Ibrahimovich refused to take part in the next two Euro 2008 qualifiers against Iceland and Spain. Having said all that Ibrahimovich has certainly showed it isn’t all bad, once again helping Inter to win Serie A, scoring 2 goals against Parma on the final day of the season to clinch the title. It is still unclear which Ibrahimovich turns up to Euro 2008, but if it is the natural goal scorer then fans and pundits alike may have to eat their words.

Key Player: Olef Mellberg

Not the best  team defensively and after stepping down as captain of Sweden after world cup 2006, Olef Mellberg has being accused of not holding the team together and having a lack of organisational qualities. This is backed up by rather public feuds with team mates such as Freddy Ljunberg. If Sweden are to go far in Euro 2008 then Mellberg will have to put all this behind him and prove his move to Juventus is justified. If Mellberg can stay strong, win tackles and dominate in the air like we know he can, then this Swedish team have potential.

One to Watch: Sebastian Larsson

SJ

By far the hardest group, and rightly dubbed "The Group of Death".

France

Star Man: Frank Ribery

After a great season for Bayern Munich and with the only goal in a recent victory over England, Frank Ribery will be going into Euro 2008 full of confidence. With an array of attacking options in the France team Ribery is seemingly the only player who is guaranteed a starting place. The skilful pacey midfielder will be looking to feed the likes of Anelka, Henry or Benzema.  But he will also be looking to get on the score sheet himself after a very profitable goal scoring season with Bayern Munich.  If Ribery is on top form then France should fear no one.

Key Player: William Gallas

Lilian Thuram looks likely to be partnering William Gallas in the centre of defense for France. Thuram has not played a lot of football this year at Barcelona and his lack of pace may mean William Gallas must be on top of his game to compensate. Gallas came into a lot of criticism this year at Arsenal for being selfish and lacking the leadership qualities of a captain. The pressure will be off a bit with Viera likely to be captaining the France team, but Gallas must be mature and put the team before himself.  We have seen in Euro 2004 that it is not the team with the best players that wins, but the team who bonds together and plays best as a team. 

One to Watch: Karim Benzema

The France squad is filled with many established stars, so it makes it harder to pick a relatively unknown player to look out for. I have therefore gone with Karim Benzema, the Lyon striker who is reportedly a long time target of Alex Ferguson and Man Utd. With Anelka and Henry seemingly off form at the moment, this could open the door for Benzema. He scored the only goal on his debut for France against Austria, and has not been able to stop scoring at Lyon this season. Possessed with great technique, speed and power he has seemingly the full package. If given the chance and is able to handle the pressure then there could be big things for Benzema at Euro 2008.

Italy

Star Man: Luca Toni

The sole striker in the Italy team, he combines strength and power with a prolific strike rate. He recently scored both goals in Bayern Munich’s German Cup Final win and got crucial goals in Euro 2008 qualifying in both matches against Scotland. He only scored twice when Italy won the World Cup two years ago, so imagine how far Italy can go if he can score regularly this tournament.  

Key Player: Antonio Di Natale

With Toni alone up front, it is important Italy get good service into him from wider areas.  Antonio Di Natale, who like Luca Toni was a late bloomer, has been pushed into a wider position in Roberto Donadonis 4-3-3 formation.  Di Natale has formed a good understanding with Luca Toni during Euro 2008 qualifying, if he can combine with him during Euro 2008, feeding Toni with chances during open play. Then with Pirlo, arguably the world’s best dead ball specialist feeding him from set pieces, it looks like Italy will be a hard team to beat.

One to Watch: Alberto Aquilani

In an ageing squad, Italy seem to be lacking any younger players breaking through. One of the few young players looking set to be included in Italy’s Euro 2008 squad is Alberto Aquilani. He has great vision and is a solid passer of the ball. The 23 year old midfielder starred in the 2007 U21 Championships, being named in the UEFA Team of the Tournament. He then scored two stunning long range strikes at the beginning of this season for Roma, however his form has dipped since then and he has found his chances limited. It looks likely the same thing will happen for him in Euro 2008.

Netherlands

Star Man: Ruud Van Nistelrooy

Van Nistelrooy signalled his intentions early by putting his country ahead of Real Madrid by having surgery on his injured ankle in March instead of waiting till the end of the season, thus ensuring he would be fit for Euro 2008. This is good news for the Netherlands as Van Nistelrooy is probably the most prolific striker in the tournament, despite his advancing age. Eager to put problems with Netherlands manager Marco Van Basten behind him, and make up for a poor display at the 2006 world cup, Ruud Van Nistelrooy will be extremely motivated. If Netherlands are going to get past the group stage Van Nistelrooy will have to be on top of his game.

Key Player: Johnny Hetinga

With an array of attacking options to choose from, the key to the Netherlands progress in Euro 2008 will be how their weaker looking defense performs.  At the heart of that defense is Johnny Heitinga.  Having recently agreed a move away from Ajax to join Atletico Madrid, he has the potential to be one of the world’s best defenders; however he is prone to an odd lapse in concentration. If Netherlands are to progress Heitinga must not switch off for the full 90 minutes. He must hold together the relatively inexperienced back four. If Netherlands can tighten up defensively there is no reason why they cannot go all the way.

One to Watch: Klaas Jan Huntelaar

For seemingly years now Klaas Jan Huntelaar has been on the brink of a big money move to one of Europe’s biggest clubs. The centre forward, who finished top goal scorer in the Dutch league this season with 33 goals in 34 games has the chance to prove he is worth a big money move. At 24 years old Huntelaar has all the attributes of a world class striker. If he shows he can score goals for fun at the biggest stage of them all, then there may well be a bidding war for his signature this summer.

Star Man: Adrian Mutu

Having refound the form that once upon a time Chelsea paid nearly 15 million pounds for, Adrian Mutu seems to be enjoying his football again. Being the under dogs in group C, with no one expecting Romania to do anything at Euro 2008 could suit Adrian Mutu perfectly. With no pressure and nothing to lose, the weight will be off Adrian Mutus shoulders and he can go out and express himself. Romania play well as a team and with Mutu adding flair and hopefully a few goals, Romania could well be a surprise package.

Key Player: Dorin Goian

With the likes of Ruud Van Nistelrooy, Thierry Henry and Luca Toni to play against in the group stages, tough tackling defender Dorin Goian is in for a tough time. You can always count on Goian to give 110% commitment and if Romania are to get out of this group the players can afford to give nothing less. With a player like Goian in the team, who will never pull out of any tackle, this can only inspire the other players and fans.

One to Watch: Banel Nicolita

23 year old, Banel Nicolita is a pacey midfielder, full of tricks, who has a keen eye for goal.  Usually being the only attacking player in the Romanian midfield allows Nicolita to forget about defending and express his attacking flair. Due to the strength of the opposition in group C, Romania will be looking to play on the counter attack. Consequently look out for Nicolita to be holding an advanced wide position on the right, waiting to lead the counter attacks with directness and pace.

The so called “Group of Death” is far too close to call, with all 4 teams having the potential to finish on top.  A lack of pace in the Italy team and seemingly the Netherlands defensive weaknesses should see France coming out on top. Don’t be surprised if Romania sneak second spot, but I will stick with the safe guess of France and Italy to go through.

So I move on to my preview for Group B: